Team Single Mom

You walked into my heart
And caught me by surprise
But it wasn’t very long
Before I realized
That
You belonged there.

So you made yourself at home
And spread yourself out
I didn’t really notice
I didn’t ever doubt
Because
You fit there.

Until one day you were gone.
You didn’t go to the store.
You didn’t go to work.
You didn’t go on a trip.
You are just gone.

So now where there was you –
A living, loving, laughing you –
Now there is a hole.
A hole just your size.
Just your shape.
Just your role.

So I scream at God.
I rage at the One
Who knows my pain,
Who abandons none.
And slowly,
So very painfully slowly,
Minute by minute
Breath by breath
Stitch by stitch
He knits my heart
Whole.

© Sarah Chase Turner 2016

The holidays can always be complex, but if this is a hard year the holidays can feel like a slow stroll through hell. If you’ve experienced it you know that doesn’t feel like an exaggeration. Loss, divorce, illness, or any other major change can make family get-togethers anywhere between awkward to unbearable.

My husband, Nathan, was an amazing chef. Thanksgiving was not just a meal in our family; it was a culinary experience. He used it as an opportunity to try new techniques, ingredients, and ideas that he had seen throughout the year. He always made a delicious pecan sweet potato casserole and homemade herb stuffing. Each year he tried a different turkey technique (fried, brined, roasted, stuffed different ways) and made different types of potatoes (herbed, cheese, butter, garlic). One year he made a stuffed crown roast that looked like something out of a magazine. There were usually appetizers as well, usually involving bacon. And there was always a funny apron or t-shirt. Christmas was similar, but his love language was gifts so he was partly focused on amazing, perfect presents for everyone. He was a party in a person, always full of jokes and love and just the right comment at just the right moment. He was an expert at making everything brighter and more special.

So when he died he didn’t just leave a hole. It felt like there was an ocean.

Somehow, with God’s help, we’ve been doing it and tomorrow will be our sixth year. A few thoughts:

1. Journal before you go. Write those feelings down before you verbally vomit all over a relative.
2. Put on some music and scream it out ahead of time. Emotional release is good pre-turkey.
3. Do something different. If you hold tight to your family traditions, the gaping hole is going to be even more noticeable. Go somewhere else. Get Chinese food. Go to a movie. Play games. Or don’t play games, if that’s your thing. Rent movies. Or don’t rent movies. Have a potluck. Invite close friends over. But I really encourage you to recognize that it’s going to feel different. Have a plan and do something about it. Or you can all just fight or cry and talk about your feelings. It’s your day.
4. Be gentle on yourself. Don’t prepare a seven-course meal. Don’t use the good china. Just do what you can. If you had open heart surgery you would take time to rest and recover. You would not push yourself to do things you could not do. It is the same with grief. Treat yourself like a heart patient. Because you are.
5. Remember that it is only one (or two) day(s). Ask God to see you through, to give you wisdom, strength and self-control. Ask Him to help you feel loved and be loving and to see the best in people through it all.

Know that you are loved, even though it does not feel like it. And even though you cannot see any light right now, it will get better.

After Nathan died I discovered I didn’t have a lot of real friends. From what I hear, that’s common. Some people just don’t know how to respond after someone dies or gets divorced or has an unplanned pregnancy. Life changes…change things. And for a while that was another thing to mourn. I did not just lose my husband. Many relationships were lost or altered because Nathan was gone and my life without him was suddenly very different.

But after a while it became an issue in and of itself. I needed more people in my life. A few friends hung in there with me, and they will always have the most special place in my heart. And I have the most wonderful family. That is another blog post entirely, how wonderful and supportive our family has been. But they have jobs and their own schedules and responsibilities. And sometimes you just need friends.

It is SO important that you build a network. A community. A tribe. A squad. Whatever. I am not capable of doing life on my own. No one is. But that becomes more obvious with single parents. The needs are greater and the resources are fewer. If you have a huge group of amazing friends, I am extremely happy for you. But I did not. So here are some things that I did that led me to some wonderful, genuine friendships that I am extremely grateful for.

1. If you’re not going to church, you need to be. You need to get to know Jesus in a Bible-believing church with people who will love and encourage you. If that sentence bothers or angers you, please visit my Contact page and drop me an email about it. But I can assure you that having Jesus in your life will do more for you than any person ever can.
2. I am a firm believer in the power of a small group. I have also met many good friends through so many different clubs and organizations. But I’ve definitely learned that the world is not going to just come to me. I can’t sit and focus on my own problems and expect things to change. I had to get out there. My friend Audrey and her friend Hannah were very determined I needed to join their small group. I was grieving, very depressed, lovely, and overwhelmed by life as a single mom. I was a real joy to be around. I didn’t feel like I had anything to give (and I didn’t), but after a while I reluctantly joined. I’m sure I was the biggest pain ever and they wished they’d never asked me. But they kept putting up with me and encouraging me and praying for me. And over time I felt like a living, functioning person again. And that person began to attract more and more friends, which has led to a much fuller, happier life.
3. I make an effort to be thoughtful. I try to be the kind of friend I needed so badly when I had no one. Sometimes I’m awesome; sometimes I’m a jerk. But I’ve come to realize that friendships take work. I don’t think I was a great friend before Nathan died because I didn’t really think about it. I was great at getting a message and just not replying. But then I realized I don’t get to put in zero effort and have friends who think I’m great. So I call. I text. I initiate plans. I go to birthday parties. I buy gifts. I try to be the kind of friend I would want to have. It’s very simple. But it does take some effort.
4. If you have friends but they’re not good for you or good to you, please move on. You need to be making the best possible decisions for you, your kids, and your future. It is scary and it is easy to think you will never do any better. But you will. If you have trouble standing up for yourself or setting boundaries with people, you need to check out Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is a long read but eye-opening stuff.

It is so easy for moms, especially single moms, to feel an extreme burden to be independent. We want to have it all together all the time with no help from anyone. We want to prove that we’re amazing and we can do this.

I’ve had enough embarrassing moments in which I needed help to realize that I CAN’T do it alone. I will gladly admit I can’t do it all. I’m not even close. I need more people. They hold us together with prayers and Legos and caramel popcorn. If I could, I would have all of the people with me all of the time. But I can’t.

So thank you to all of my friends and family who put up with all of my feelings and ridiculousness and who care for us all the time. I am so grateful you are mine.

What about you? Do you have some amazing friends? Tell me about them! Are you in a phase in which you need some? Leave a comment and tell me about yourself!